Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize