My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
