I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
