the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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