i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
