im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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