I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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