Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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