Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
