When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
