Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
