I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Randomize
