I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
