i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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