the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
