never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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