someone threw a dead crab at me
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Randomize
