Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
