you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
