I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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