can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
