The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
