forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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