I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
