Where is the hickey?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
