Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
