There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
