It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
