I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
