Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
be right there i have to get my cape
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
