So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize