Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
