Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
