Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
that is very illegal...i love you.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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