Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
