Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
