I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
