you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
i out mim tonsoeep
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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