I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Randomize
