Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
