anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
