Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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