I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Let's get the cat blown out
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
