she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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