How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
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