if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
