Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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