the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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