I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
