this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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