I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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