I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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