I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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