that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
