He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
