Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Randomize
