My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
