tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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