in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I supernannyed him into submission
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
