i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
i out mim tonsoeep
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