I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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