omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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