Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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