I faked an abortion last night.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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