Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
