well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize
