Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
