After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
