I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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